Saturday, June 12, 2010

How to Speak Christianese

This is not from Rosetta, but I'm sure diplomats and special forces will use this handy primer to fit in with the church culture, especially in the native Bible belt regions.  Today, a special edition!  How to speak Christianese like a pro! (This edition is not exhaustive).

  • Make sure to create a signature line on your emails with "Hope you have a Blessed Day!"
  • Use vague words to hide true feelings.  For example, instead of acknowledging how bad she hurt you, say "I'm praying for her heart today."  Like she has cardiac trouble.
  • Substitute words like get-together with "fellowship."  The awesomeness of this word is that you can use it as a noun or a verb.
  • Instead of saying you're going to tell someone off, substitute you're "going to speak into their life."
  • Get all upset about any kind of swearing, even the word "crap" (oops), but then use the Lord's name in vain by speaking into someone's life with an added "God told me to tell you."
  • Create cute new church programs.. using words like L.I.F.E class (where LIFE stands for something delicious like Let's Invest Faith in Eachother).
  • When you don't want to admit to a fault, tell the other person you prayed about that and left it at the foot of the cross.  You're totally absolved from any consequences and the best part is you get to continue in that sin!
  • To properly speak Christianese, it's import to get into costume.  So wear your Sunday best, but don't clean up the inside (which you don't have to anyway, because you prayed and left it at the foot of the cross.)

The point of speaking the right dialect of Christianese is so that everyone will realize how awesome your spirituality is.  If I'm wrong here, too bad, I prayed and left it at the foot of the cross, so go away and fellowship at your G.R.A.C.E. baby boomers class in the Life room at church.

PS: I tried to start a program called Christians Reaching A Purpose, but it didn't look good in the bulletin.

1 comment:

  1. Man, it has always really put me off when people would tell me, "God told me ...", especially when what they were doing was just wrong. I never thought of it as taking the Lord's name in vain, but that's exactly what it is!

    I had a friend tell me once, "If God tells you to do something, just do it."