Tuesday, May 12, 2009

So You Wanna be a Pharisee!

Alright, grab that robe and smug smile, and wrap yourself up in your own puffy shirt of self-righteousness and let's get to it!

Pharisee checklist:
* Remember, it's all about Rules, not Relationship. A hyper-focus on the rules (Law if you will) will get you where you want to go. And if you're going to claim a "relationship" with God (which is a good thing to claim as a Pharisee), then make sure it's nothing more than a ritualistic shopping list kind of relationship... you know the one. You tell God all about what *you* want and then you're done. You've grown so calloused, so it'd be too hard to stick around and hear His voice anyway. And you've got the rules-- heck, since you're not hearing Him anymore, just quote the rules and it's almost like the same thing!

* Be a Lawyer. Know the Law. Study the Law. Make sure the rules apply evenly across the board to every offender. Because one thing we know, our prospective of Fair is the right one.

* While being a lawyer, be a GOOD lawyer. You know what I mean. Find those loopholes. Wiggle through the law like it was swiss cheese and you're the worm. Clinton showed us a prime example, which I won't repeat here. But let's just say someone accuses you of eating the cookies before dinner. Swallow the remaining evidence, run your tongue over your teeth to make sure the crumbs are gone, then tell them that you absolutely did not "eat" those cookies (because you know in your heart, just like any good lawyer, that you didn't eat them, you injested them.)

* You cannot "own" anything. Not your character, not the things you do. To own it, is to open yourself up to liability and possible prosecution. So when someone says "you are a self serving Egotist," just know that they're wrong. I mean, you can say you've had moments, but in no way are you this way.

* Become a Narcissist. Every good pharisee is self absorbed. It's all about you baby. Wear the best robes. Find the best chariot ride. Sit in the most specialist seats. Just remember-- your sphere is the mostest. Repeat after me...

* Practice Safe Denial. Obviously, being a "pharisee" is looked down on-- even by yourself. So make sure you read this and laugh at the appropriate moments, think about a friend or loved one that fits the bill, then go on your pharisaical ways.

For those who think they're exempt, I believe there's a pharisee in each and every one of us. I'm killing mine daily. How about you?


  1. Great book on the subject - 12 Steps for the Recovering Pharisee (like me) by John Fischer.