Thursday, April 9, 2009

What to do when I'm Johnny C

Even as I wrote the movie "The IMposter", Johnny C was this other guy. He was a guy I heard of in the nineties. He was a guy who I read about a couple years ago. He was Mark Wahlberg's character in Rock Star... and of course I would admit, parts of me. Very small.

But what happens when I'm confronted with some very harsh truth-- that I am flat out Johnny C. I wake up and slapped with the realization that my ego, which I thought I had in control, has actually been raging out of control for years and years. And that the ego's best con job was the one it did on me. Told me I was the smartedt. Told me that where bad role models had failed, I could exceed because they didn't do their badness good enough. They got caught. I could be a better con than that.

So one fruit of this movie is to realize I have had a deep rooted mask hiding a rotting Imposter. What do I do Doc?

First realize that this is going to hurt. There's a deep cancer here that is going to take time. I have to commit to God that no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to follow through. I confess this evil... by confession I can start to free. However, just like Johnny C there are consequences.

For a time, as the failures of my ego, which cannot be easily fixed, and will be hanging around for awhile, are thrown back at me and all I can do is raise my arms as the baseball hits my gut time and time again. I don't sleep. Food is unappealing. I lose weight. I cry out to God. And cry out. I read His word. Especially Romans. And though trust is destroyed with my moved ones, I begin to take every little step down that road.

When I defend, it is the ego (flesh) inside me defending. There is nothing to defend. Evil is evil. What, is it important that the evil you're accusing me of isn't that bad? Of that hey, I've gotten so better! What, instead of killing ten people like I used to, now only five? Is that better? None of this is worth defending.

The opposite of defense, contrary to popular competitive sports, is not a good offense. The opposite of defend is to surrender. A lof time on my knees is spent surrendering.

And I change my expectations. Why should they respect me or trust me? How long have I been conning them? In the movie, Tara tells Johnny C to his question of what he has to do, she says "a long track record of keeping your word."

Always off to the side is a wide road that I can take at any moment that this gets too hard. But I won't take it. I won't. Whatever it takes, however painful I will walk where God has me to walk. I now know I cannot fix anything. He will be the fixer. I will be the obedient slave.

This is what to do if you find yourself a Johnny C. And you'll have another mask pulled down and a step closer to understanding your true identity (TRUTH).

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