What to do when I'm Johnny C

Even as I wrote the movie "The IMposter", Johnny C was this other guy. He was a guy I heard of in the nineties. He was a guy who I read about a couple years ago. He was Mark Wahlberg's character in Rock Star... and of course I would admit, parts of me. Very small.

But what happens when I'm confronted with some very harsh truth-- that I am flat out Johnny C. I wake up and slapped with the realization that my ego, which I thought I had in control, has actually been raging out of control for years and years. And that the ego's best con job was the one it did on me. Told me I was the smartedt. Told me that where bad role models had failed, I could exceed because they didn't do their badness good enough. They got caught. I could be a better con than that.

So one fruit of this movie is to realize I have had a deep rooted mask hiding a rotting Imposter. What do I do Doc?

First realize that this is going to hurt. There's a deep cancer here that is going to take time. I have to commit to God that no matter how hard it gets, I'm going to follow through. I confess this evil... by confession I can start to free. However, just like Johnny C there are consequences.

For a time, as the failures of my ego, which cannot be easily fixed, and will be hanging around for awhile, are thrown back at me and all I can do is raise my arms as the baseball hits my gut time and time again. I don't sleep. Food is unappealing. I lose weight. I cry out to God. And cry out. I read His word. Especially Romans. And though trust is destroyed with my moved ones, I begin to take every little step down that road.

When I defend, it is the ego (flesh) inside me defending. There is nothing to defend. Evil is evil. What, is it important that the evil you're accusing me of isn't that bad? Of that hey, I've gotten so better! What, instead of killing ten people like I used to, now only five? Is that better? None of this is worth defending.

The opposite of defense, contrary to popular competitive sports, is not a good offense. The opposite of defend is to surrender. A lof time on my knees is spent surrendering.

And I change my expectations. Why should they respect me or trust me? How long have I been conning them? In the movie, Tara tells Johnny C to his question of what he has to do, she says "a long track record of keeping your word."

Always off to the side is a wide road that I can take at any moment that this gets too hard. But I won't take it. I won't. Whatever it takes, however painful I will walk where God has me to walk. I now know I cannot fix anything. He will be the fixer. I will be the obedient slave.

This is what to do if you find yourself a Johnny C. And you'll have another mask pulled down and a step closer to understanding your true identity (TRUTH).

Filmmaker 101

The Six Phases of Filmmaking

1. THE IDEA -- This phase is where the idea is born. The roots of the story start to take hold. Usually the idea holder chews on it like a cow chews on a cud.

2. DEVELOPMENT -- First real hurdle for most filmmakers. And Development is something most just don't know too much about. Sure, the scriptwriting is here and that's covered a million different ways. But the hard part of development? Raising money. I do see more and more seminars on how to raise money for your movie. I've even thought of doing the same. I've got a feeling a lot of the seminars are really more appropo for documentaries-- how to get grants and such. Grants in the feature wordls are extremely rare, unless you have a film that pushes a unique agenda, and pushes it hard. No, at the end of the day, raising money is going to be leg work and phone calls, and putting yourself out there.

3. PRE PRODUCTION -- The movie's quality will be determined here. For low budget, do you get outstanding locations? Do you get talented actors? Do you polish the script to a fine hue? Do you pull together the right team with the right attitude?

4. PRODUCTION -- This is where the indie filmmaker knows a lot. There's tons of books out there. Still doesn't mean anything though. A friend of mine is right now out there working a movie where the director is clueless. But basically, Production phases is where you go out and execute the game plan you devised in Pre-prod. If your game plan wasn't well thought out, your execution will be suspect.

5. POST PRODUCTION -- This is the editing, sound, music and lab portion. At this point, the indie filmmaker is traditionally out of money and begging everyone for time on the FCP or ProTools system. Good coloring makes a huge difference. Great sound design makes a huge difference.

6. DISTRIBUTION -- The other area most filmmakers know nothing about. This is the phase where if you had a name talent in your movie, Sales Agents offer you a teeny bit of money so that they can go get rich off selling your film. If you don't have name talent, this is where you beg, plead and pray for a teeny bit of money so that they can go earn a teeny bit for themselves too.

Not Suicide (well figuratively maybe)

And if I don't succeed in killing myself, I'll really die.

The Apostle Paul, especially in the letter to the Romans deals with the "duality" of man. There's the flesh (which I'll call "the Ego") and then there's the spirit man. Paul goes on to say how important it is to mortify (make dead) the flesh. Later he writes that he dies daily.

I've got some pretty big ego strongholds that don't need fixin'. My ego doesn't need education to make it better. My ego doesn't need sympathy, placation, or coddling. It needs death. I want to kill my ego. Every day.

This blog will be my personal journal that will encompass my journey as a filmmaker, father, husband and disciple of Jesus.